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| Sunday, May 25, 2003 today was prom. i will forego any entry about it because i really dont want to talk about it. but suffice it to say, i did not have a great time. and that's all i'm going to write about that. and please, dont comment telling me i have an attitude problem, or issues, or telling me that it's nothing. i dont need to hear it. as a matter of fact, for once, i'd rather i got no comments on this entry. thank you.
Tuesday, May 20, 2003 two poems first poem: if I should sleep with a lady called death get another man with firmer lips ` to take your new mouth in his teeth (hips pumping pleasure into hips). Seeing how the limp huddling string of your smile over his body squirms kissingly, I will bring you every spring handfuls of little normal worms. Dress deftly your flesh in stupid stuffs, phrase the immense weapon of your hair. Understanding why his eye laughs, I will bring you every year something which is worth the whole, an inch of nothing for your soul. second poem: i like my body when it is with your body. It is so quite a new thing. Muscles better and nerves more. i like your body. i like what it does, i like its hows. i like to feel the spine of your body and its bones, and the trembling -firm-smooth ness and which i will again and again and again kiss, i like kissing this and that of you, i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big love-crumbs, and possibly i like the thrill of under me you quite so new
Tuesday, May 13, 2003 just a thought for the moment. you know how they say, "you dont know how much something means to you until you lose it?" well my friends, that's bull shit. you dont know how much something means to you until you need it. i am grateful for all of my friends, and yes, this is in partial response to andy's blog. i really didnt think that this year ending would be hard, and it really isnt. i do not fear losing the people who are imporant to me, because i know they will not be lost. i fear losing the others; the pips, the berkleys, the jt$s out there. those people you see everyday, who are not the closest of friends, but who you do have connections to. those people who you will probably never see again, save for a chance meeting at a starbucks, or vons. these are the people i worry about, these are the ones i fear to lose. the others? they're not goin' anywhere.
Sunday, May 04, 2003 me: so, what's new with you? person i'm talking to: not much OH COME ON!!! nothing happens in my boring-ass life, so tell me SOMETHING. i thrive on the news of other people, so help me out, wouldja?! on an unrelated note, i think i need to change the name of my blog, being that my fixation with alex trebeck (NOT SEXUAL!!!) is over... any ideas?
what's happened to me? i'm not sure if anybody remembers me from middle school, or even the beginning of high school. i know nobody remembers me from elementary school, but i do. i came to california, and i couldn't believe how much people cussed. it really sickened me. what's my point? well, i never actually cussed a lot until middle school, and now i cant fucken stop. so what? well people, a loss of innocence isn't something you just read about in books; it isn't just something symbolized by a tree or a sunset or some shit like that. It's an actual, physical thing that happens to people. it happened to matt, to hannah, to andy, chrishtine, my mom, my dad, jesus, muhammad, caesar, me, everybody in the history of the world. but at what point are we no longer the children we used to be? when did i put all my x-men toys in a plastic bin in the garage? at some point we put our toys and innocence away, and start to stare at pussy. we crave sex, and suddenly we are transformed. i'm sure you all remember thinking, "what the hell is wrong with me? i've checked out every girl (or boy) that's passed by... i didn't do this before..." but this is hardly the direction i intended to take this post. i doubt anybody remembers me from the beginning of high school, but i used to be happy, and content. remember? i do. i remember, once, while i was dating mel, she got upset at me because i was too optimistic. now, who here remembers me being too optimistic? anybody? i thought not. when was the last time i smiled for no reason? i really cant recall. there must be something inherently wrong with me. now, before you jump to conclusions and say, "oh dear, he's in one of his depressed moods again," just hear me out. i'm very logical, you know. now hannah, you've had, what, 7 guys pining over you in the past month or two. i mean, shit, you get guys obsessed. what power. matt, how many girls think you have "a great smile"? no, i shit you not, i've heard it. (i've only addressed you to because, well, you're the only people who know that this blog even exists...) what about me? who've i got? mel? mel needed me for other reasons, i dont think she ever really loved me. hell, i'm not sure she was even attracted to me. who else? alex? shit, that lasted long. i'd say she got over me pretty quick, huh? i dont get girls to like me. am i going after the wrong girls? should i just go for some dumb-shit ho, who wouldnt understand me? am i looking in the wrong area? what am i doing wrong? is this wrong? should i just delete everything i've just written? should i tell myself what i'm doing is stupid and wrong? should i try to be like everyone else, and go get drunk off my ass at some party? shit, i cant remember the last time i was at a party. EVEN A FUCKING BIRTHDAY PARTY! i dont think i've been to one since middle school. so what the fuck is wrong with me? should i stop trying to please other people. should i say "fuck you" to the world. "i'll be whoever the fuck i want, and you dont like it? go fuck yourself." is that what i should do? or should i say, "hello world, here i am. you need anything?!" who should i be? does it matter? do you think if i was completely positive, if i ran for ASB, and played football, and got straight A's, if i did all that shit, that i'd be any different? IS WHO WE ARE NOTHING MORE THAN WHAT WE DO?
Catullus was a damn genius. i wish i lived in ancient rome... Odi et amo. Quare id faciam, fortasse requiris. nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior. -Catullus 85
Thursday, May 01, 2003 in reference to matt's xanga: You lookin' fo' some trouble boy?! Ya see, 'm from Flar-da, and down there, we's know how to be a-feudin' proper-like. So go pick your switch, cause i'm gonna whoop you good, boy!! WHOO-EEE!!!
ok, so here's a joke for everyone: this guy goes into a bar, sits down, and orders a whiskey sour. the bartender comes over to him after a while and says, "excuse me sir, but there's this monkey outside demanding to see you." the guy looks puzzled, and then after a second, says, "oh, that's mikey. what's he want?" the bartender responds, "xangas fucking suck, blogspot's the only way to go, and matt is a total asian looser-boy for being a complete tool." ok, so that was a little long to get my point across, but yeah, xanga sucks (not much offense intended, hannah... heh...), and matt's a traitor, but that's ok. haha, what a sad post, no?
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