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| Sunday, May 04, 2003 what's happened to me? i'm not sure if anybody remembers me from middle school, or even the beginning of high school. i know nobody remembers me from elementary school, but i do. i came to california, and i couldn't believe how much people cussed. it really sickened me. what's my point? well, i never actually cussed a lot until middle school, and now i cant fucken stop. so what? well people, a loss of innocence isn't something you just read about in books; it isn't just something symbolized by a tree or a sunset or some shit like that. It's an actual, physical thing that happens to people. it happened to matt, to hannah, to andy, chrishtine, my mom, my dad, jesus, muhammad, caesar, me, everybody in the history of the world. but at what point are we no longer the children we used to be? when did i put all my x-men toys in a plastic bin in the garage? at some point we put our toys and innocence away, and start to stare at pussy. we crave sex, and suddenly we are transformed. i'm sure you all remember thinking, "what the hell is wrong with me? i've checked out every girl (or boy) that's passed by... i didn't do this before..." but this is hardly the direction i intended to take this post. i doubt anybody remembers me from the beginning of high school, but i used to be happy, and content. remember? i do. i remember, once, while i was dating mel, she got upset at me because i was too optimistic. now, who here remembers me being too optimistic? anybody? i thought not. when was the last time i smiled for no reason? i really cant recall. there must be something inherently wrong with me. now, before you jump to conclusions and say, "oh dear, he's in one of his depressed moods again," just hear me out. i'm very logical, you know. now hannah, you've had, what, 7 guys pining over you in the past month or two. i mean, shit, you get guys obsessed. what power. matt, how many girls think you have "a great smile"? no, i shit you not, i've heard it. (i've only addressed you to because, well, you're the only people who know that this blog even exists...) what about me? who've i got? mel? mel needed me for other reasons, i dont think she ever really loved me. hell, i'm not sure she was even attracted to me. who else? alex? shit, that lasted long. i'd say she got over me pretty quick, huh? i dont get girls to like me. am i going after the wrong girls? should i just go for some dumb-shit ho, who wouldnt understand me? am i looking in the wrong area? what am i doing wrong? is this wrong? should i just delete everything i've just written? should i tell myself what i'm doing is stupid and wrong? should i try to be like everyone else, and go get drunk off my ass at some party? shit, i cant remember the last time i was at a party. EVEN A FUCKING BIRTHDAY PARTY! i dont think i've been to one since middle school. so what the fuck is wrong with me? should i stop trying to please other people. should i say "fuck you" to the world. "i'll be whoever the fuck i want, and you dont like it? go fuck yourself." is that what i should do? or should i say, "hello world, here i am. you need anything?!" who should i be? does it matter? do you think if i was completely positive, if i ran for ASB, and played football, and got straight A's, if i did all that shit, that i'd be any different? IS WHO WE ARE NOTHING MORE THAN WHAT WE DO?
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